Meat Inc

Not long after ordaining the fall of Mat Ruben the carnivorous grill house Meat Inc got back to me, and I thought it remiss of me not to continue the lore of this fictional PR odyssey and continue the pretense of Mat having quit. This also gave me an opportunity to introduce Mat’s replacement Brett, and play around with the concept of the clumsy staff handover, so we’ll see our latest sucker Kat “accidentally” CC’d into an internal email and also assumed to have much, much more knowledge of the situation than she actually does.

Tues, May 29, 8:14pm
Hi Mat,
Apologies about the delay in getting back to you!
We’d be more than happy to cater for Bradley, obviously depending on what kind of thing you’re after. We do have quite an open layout to our restaurant, but we do have tables which are more out of the way to the entrance towards the far end which could be suitable.
We do accommodate all our customers as best we can, so if we do have any bookings we’d be happy to put them in the central part of the restaurant as opposed to the far end. We do the same for those who just ask for a quieter spot.
The week commencing the 4th June shouldn’t be overly busy as it is just after the half-term period. However, please know weekends are always quite a busy time, from Friday night through to all day Sunday. Generally speaking, the quietest times during the week days are during the weekday mornings, and between 2:30pm and 5pm. It then proceeds to quieten again from 8pm.
During that week we do have a slight change in opening hours due to the power being cut off for maintenance. So on Wednesday 6th we will be opening from 10am (as opposed to 8:30am), and on the Thursday we will be closing from 1:30pm to 3pm.
If you need anymore information from me, please just let me know.
Kind regards,
Kat Egan
Manager
Meat Inc.

Weds, May 30, 12:00pm
Good afternoon Kat,

Thanks for your informative email, we have Bradley booked in to a private Thai bistro for the first half of shooting week but could possibly, provisionally book him in with you for Friday 8th, Saturday 9th and Sunday 10th. You appreciate my concern about how busy Meat Inc can get, as I am responsible for ensuring Bradley can dine in peace without hassle from fans and paparazzi, but that said Bradley loves burgers so booking with yourselves for at least a couple of nights seems a no-brainer.

Without wanting to put you to too much trouble could you briefly describe the layout of the restaurant – not requisite but any accompanying photos/sketches would be helpful. Depending on the size and set-up of the seating we may have to doppelgang the booking (if you’re not familiar this is a term for a tactic used widely by PR companies for A-listers whereabouts we’ll book several tables, normally 4 or 5, with the real Bradley sat at one and the rest occupied by identically dressed impersonators, doubles, etc, so as to confuse and wrong-foot overeager fans and pushy paps).

Before penciling anything in I’ll need to know more about the layout please Kat as this will decide on whether it’s one table we book or, if we do doppelgang, 4 or 5. If we do decide to doppelgang I’ll have to talk you through the schedule as it can be a complex affair keeping track of the real Bradley!

Look forward to hearing from you, thanks for your patience and accommodation of this client.
Kind regards,
Mat Ruben

Fri, June 1, 12:33pm
Hi Mat,
I’ve attached images of the restaurant, as well as a table plan. As you can see, it’s not massive, but we do have quite a few tables along the outside, and then smaller ones in the middle. Personally, I’d say table number 8 on the plan would be most out of the way, but I completely understand if you need those few tables around it.
As we are usually a stop off point for people we tend to fill up with bookings until the day or two beforehand, so currently we have plenty of space on the sheets which gives us a bit more flexibility to fit in more tables.
Let me know if you need anything further from me, as always I’m happy to help.
Kind regards,
Kat Egan
Manager
Meat Inc.

meat1

meat3

Fri, June 1, 3:37pm
Hey Brett,
Here’s the Meat Inc place I was thinking of booking Brad into whilst he’s shooting Venusian Moon next week in Bishop Norton. It’s not the most private but it’ll sort his burger fix. Kat the owner has attached pics and a plan, as you’ll see we’ll almost certainly need to doppelgang. Info’s in the drop folder but traditionally Brad’s doppelgangs have been Trent, Kelly, Phil Rodgam, The Spaniard, Geoff H and Chris Mailstone (palindrome paul’s little brother!!) as per availability.
I’d come up with a doppelgang schedule (ask Siobhan if you need help) and get it to Kat ASAP if I were you.
Leaving drinks at the hoof tonight you game?
Take it easy good sir
M

Fri, June 1, 4:49pm
Good afternoon Kat,

Thanks for sending across the photos and aerial plan. My name’s Brett and I’ll be taking over from Mat who is sadly leaving the company.

I understand Mat explained to you that due to the small size of the venue we’ll need to doppelgang to keep Bradley’s affairs private. We have 3 doppelgangs available over the Fri-Sun slot, for your records they are: Phillip Rodgam (sat table 24), Juan Garcia Casas (sat table 5) & Chris Mailstone-Luap (sat at the bar). The real Bradley will be sat at table 8. Here’s the itinerary for all 3 evenings:

20:00: Phillip arrives, sits at his table.
20:04: Phillip is served, orders drink.
20:08: Chris arrives, sits at bar, orders drink.
20:10: Bradley arrives, sits at table.
20:12: Chris leaves to go to bathroom.
20:13: Phillip walks to bar, takes Chris’ seat. Chris returns from bathroom and goes to table 24.
20:14: Bradley is served, orders drink. Removes hat.
20:17: Phillip leaves for bathroom, snatching up hat with him.
20:19: Chris (at Phillip’s table) orders food.
20:20: Phillip returns, leaves hat on Chris’ table, sits at bar.
20:23: Bradley leaves for bathroom, takes hat from Chris’ table as he passes.
20:27: Chris goes outside to smoke and greet fans. Phillip moves to Bradley’s table, passing Bradley as he returns from bathroom and taking hat from him. Bradley sits at Phillip’s table and eats food. Phillip, at Bradley’s table, orders food. Juan arrives, sits at table.
20:29: Juan is served, orders drink. Chris returns to bar.
20:32: Juan goes to bathroom, taking hat from Phillip. Bradley orders another drink.
20:39: Phillip moves to Juan’s seat. Food is delivered to Phillip’s table. Juan sits at Phillip’s table to eat. Chris orders bar snacks.
20:42: Chris receives bar snacks.
20:47: Bradley requests bill. Chris leaves at this point and draws main attention from fans and paps as he leaves. Phillip moves to take his place at the bar.
20:55: Juan goes outside to smoke, meeting any remaining fans. Phillip moves to Juan’s table (previously his table, where hat has been left). Bradley leaves through side exit.
21:01: Juan requests bill, pays and leaves.
21:22: Phillip leaves wearing hat.

Hopefully this all makes sense and ties in with what you had agreed with Mat previously? We won’t have any time to rehearse this with the proximity of the date so please ensure your staff know this schedule inside and out by Friday.

Any issues please let me know.
Kind regards,
Brett Owen

Mon, June 4, 12:32pm
Hi Brett,
I hope you’re well!
Thanks for getting that across to me, I appreciate that it can be a lot of effort to organise.
I have discussed this plan with my other duty managers, and we do feel as though it might not flow quite a smoothly as planned. My main concern is that we are a restaurant, the only people really manoeuvring around are our staff, so having people switch around would be quite easily noticed – especially as, for example, one person will be getting a hat from someone else on the way to the toilet, but will have to go away from the toilets to do so. (The toilets are located between the bar area and tables 30, a wall is there to create a corridor leading to them as well).
As well as this, we don’t actually seat people at the bar area, and we don’t do bar snacks. The bar area is essentially a counter for people to come to to be seated, pay their bill, order takeaway, etc. We don’t really function as a pub/bar would do. So having someone sitting there would not only be impractical, but also just draw more attention.
The thing as a whole is quite confusing, especially as we know how the layout of the restaurant works. I’m not entirely sure that routine is exactly something we’d be able to do as alongside all of that we do have to run a resaurant and ensure all customers are served in a good time. All the food is cooked fresh so we can’t guarantee that cooking times will fit completely in with the plan either.
I hope you can understand my concerns with this. Please know that we do not plan on telling anyone about Bradley being in the area, we genuinely just want people to have a nice, easy, tasty meal.
We do want to help as best we can, but we’re just not confident on how plausible the plan is. I know you understand how this works a lot better than I do, but I do know this restaurant in and out. We’d be happy to seat the 4 people separately and Brad in a more secluded area. I understand the purpose of having everybody switch about completely, but it doesn’t really work with the layout of the restaurant.
Please note, we do offer takeaway food, and we do also close at 8pm on Sundays.
I’m sorry for being a pain!
Kind regards,
Kat Egan
Manager
Meat Inc.

Tues, June 5, 1:35pm
Good afternoon Kat,

You’re not being a pain at all don’t worry! It sounds like Mat didn’t properly talk you through how doppelganging worked before making these arrangements, nor did he check it would work around the layout of the restaurant. He was let go from the company for making just such mistakes. No one went to his leaving drinks.

Not to worry Kat, we’ll look elsewhere for Bradley. Thanks for your time.
Kind regards,
Brett Owen

END OF CORRESPONDENCE

And so the Ruben saga draws to a close. I’m certainly not going to continue with the adventures of Brett whom, despite him being a fictitious concoction of my own mind, I instantly disliked. We’ll leave Meat Inc a respectable score; they did send over a floor plan to be fair, and even seriously deliberated the tangled doppelgang routine I devised (which would work if you analyse it closely, although Phillip Rodgam gets shafted throughout). 8/10.

In close, I think these a valuable series of experiments. The breadth of responses was genuinely surprising – some with obsequious fawning, some utterly unhelpful, some angry, most (if not all) confused. I did originally think stardom would act as a better lubricant on these stubborn restaurateurs, there were a lot more requests of Bradley’s that were turned down than I anticipated. I suppose that’s a good thing – he’s still a human being ultimately, and just because he’s been in American Sniper and has quite nice abs I suppose he shouldn’t necessarily be treated any better than us unfamous plebs.

It’s actually made me feel slightly better about the human condition as a whole, these chats I’ve had. To see patrons turning down opportunities to cancel Birthday parties or besmirch Bradley’s character in exchange for fame and publicity, during a zeitgeist where Hollywood stars basically rule the world, was unexpected and encouraging.

Thanks Mat Ruben, it’s been a fun ride. Together we’ve built religions and constructed new languages, and challenged the hosting skills of all four corners of our traditionally aloof island nation. Like all the fabricated characters I give birth to there comes a time to put you to sleep, and it’s your turn now Mat (and I guess you too Brett you twat).

No more emails. No more trolling. No more Bradley. Close your eyes now, Mat. This won’t hurt a bit.

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L’Enclume

I’ve run 13 of these dialogues and already my cheesewire attention span is fraying, so it’s time to kill off Mat Ruben. I wanted to do this via a means which has always held a mundane morbid fascination with me:

Have you ever sent an email, particularly a work email, to a recipient when it’s not meant for them? Have you ever done this, only you’ve sent the worst possible thing to the worst possible person? I recall a close shave some years back where I was sending an internal email to a colleague, the contentious topic being whether I should stop playing the Assassin’s Creed game I was embroiled in and move to playing the Far Cry game sat on the shelf. For a gut-wrenching moment or two I was convinced I had accidentally sent the following not to my friend but to an important client, and out of context the mail contents are horrifying to receive at random:

“I imagine I’ll do exactly that, I’ll be sitting there watching another 15-minute cutscene about the Templars with eyes glazed knowing I could well be setting fire to elephants and dragging corpses ontop of one another so it looks like they’re bumming.”

Can you imagine if a starchy conglomerate had received that from their ostensibly professional rep, apropos of nothing? How could I have extricated myself from that hole? The thought of doing so left me a pallid adrenaline dump, and I still ponder what would have been the fallout from casually informing this client I was a necrophiliac that toasted elephants.

For this Cooper discourse then, I wanted the conversation to run politely and proficiently for a while before “accidentally” sending a catastrophic email which was supposedly destined for someone else. I chose L’Enclume to run this experiment on, a frightfully opulent Michelin starred (x2) restaurant in the Lake District.

Tues, May 29, 5:40pm
Dear Mat,
Thank you for your email.
We would be delighted to accommodate Mr Cooper at L’Enclume restaurant.
Unfortunately, L’Enclume restaurant is closed on a Monday, however I am pleased to say we have availability for two people on the following dates:
Tuesday 12th (Lunch & Dinner)
Wednesday 13th (Lunch & Dinner)
Thursday 14th (Lunch & Dinner)
Friday 15th (Lunch only)
Saturday 16th (Lunch only)
Sunday 17th (Lunch & Dinner)
Our restaurant manager will ensure Mr Cooper has a secluded table in the restaurant. We would also be delighted to offer Mr Cooper a tour of our Michelin kitchen and farm if this is of interest.
We also have a variety of rooms available that week if needed.
We look forward to hearing from you.
Kindest regards
Emily

Weds, May 30, 2:27pm
Good afternoon Emily,

Many thanks for your courteous email. I think it would be lovely to get Bradley (please not “Mr Cooper”, he really shies away from such formalities!) in for at least a lunch considering how close he’s filming to you guys – it would only be for one as Bradley enjoys dining alone. Do you run the same menu each day? Could you advise which of those days is looking quietest, currently? What time do you run your lunch menu?

Thank you for the offer but accommodation is already booked elsewhere. I will ask him when he has a moment if he would like to experience the tour.

As a social media luminary I know Bradley will want to Instagram the experience if this is permitted by yourselves?

Thanks again for catering for this client.
Kind regards,
Mat Ruben

Weds, May 30, 3:24pm
Dear Mat,
Thank you for your email.
Our lunchtime service starts at 12.00 with our last orders at 1.45pm. We offer our Lunch Tasting Menu which is approximately 8 courses and we would normally allow 2.5 hours to complete this experience. We also offer our Full Tasting Menu for bookings prior to 1.15pm which is approximately 18 courses and allowing 3.5 to 4 hours to complete. Although with Bradley dining alone this timing may of course be quicker for him.
Our dinner service starts at 6.30pm with our last orders at 8.15pm. During our dinner service we only offer the Full Tasting Menu.
The days were we currently have the least amount of reservations would be lunchtime on either Wednesday, 13 June 2018 or Friday, 15 June 2018.
Please also do let us know if Bradley would be interested in a tour of Our Farm, we can arrange this either before or after his lunch reservation.
We would of course welcome Bradley to share his experience on social media should he so wish.
If you would like to make a reservation, please do contact us on the below number and we will be happy to assist.
Kind regards
Cindy

Weds, May 30, 5:19pm
Good afternoon Cindy,

Thanks so much for that information and sorry to bombard you with questions, only Bradley can be somewhat fastidious so I have to be extra attentive when booking him in! We have a tough day of filming on Friday but Bradley’s schedule for Wednesday is a lot more lax so provisionally I foresee the 13th being best, however I will run this past him for the final nod before we make concrete reservations.

In regards to the tour, how long does this tend to take on average? I should imagine it’s more popular to take this before lunch so as to work up an appetite and harbour more appreciation for what one is about to eat?

Your menu looks absolutely, impossibly divine by the way, I wish I earned what Bradley makes so I might sample it myself one day!!

Thanks again for your time with this client, I’m speaking with him this evening so should have final confirmation for you by morning.

Kind regards,
Mat Ruben

Weds, May 30, 5:29pm
Dear Mat,
Thank you for your email. We look forward to hearing from you tomorrow once Bradley has all the information and is able to make a decision.
With regards to the farm tour, we would normally allow 45 minutes for this but of course Bradley may take as long or as little time as he needs. Having the tour prior to the lunch would certainly help to better understand the menu and where the ingredients and inspiration have originated from but of course this is equally beneficial at the end. We will remain open to his requirements for this.
Please do not hesitate to contact us should we be of any further assistance.
Kind regards
Cindy

Thurs, May 31, 9:49am
Mate i am so fucking done with this job i am so FUCKING done with booking these showy cunts in for meals they dont appreciate whilst i sit in my shitty flat, skint, eating beans from a can!!! this job can go fuck itself today already!!!!!

and meanwhile i have thimbleknob upstairs saying my teams demotivated and im here like

unnamed (1)

Thurs, May 31, 10:16am
Good morning Cindy,

Please accept my deepest, sincerest apologies for the email you have just received, which of course was meant for my colleague Ian here in the office, and not at all destined for yourself.

We treat not only our clients but caterers such as yourselves with the highest degree of respect and for you to have to see what you saw was inexcusable, utterly unprofessional and very out of character for me. I apologise again and hope no offence has been caused.

Can we please pretend that this morning’s unfortunate occurrence has not happened? Are you still happy to cater to Bradley week after next?

Thank you for your understanding.
Kind regards,
Mat Ruben

Thurs, May 31, 1:22pm
Dear Mat,
Thank you for your email.
No worries, kind of understandable, everyone has outburst of frustration at times!
Yes, we are good to go ahead with the reservation should you wish to book a table at L’enclume.
Kind regards,
Florina

Fri, June 1, 9:56am
Good morning Emily/Cindy/Florina/whoever,

Thank you for being so understanding. I have, however, decided to resign from my position here. Seeing my outburst (accidentally sent) to you in the cold light of day has made me reevaluate. This job isn’t for me, so I will be returning to University to study Fashion.

My replacement Brett will be in touch for all other correspondence. All the best for the future.

Bradley’s a shithead by the way. A real tool.
Yours,
Mat

END OF CORRESPONDENCE

Stunning form from what I wrongly assumed would be a snooty and dismissive reception team. I was astounded and strangely warmed by their handling of this, so much so that I have to award them 10/10. Do not think from that score I’m advocating you dine there, it’s like £120 for half a finch egg with a beetroot aura, but I cannot fault their good nature when confronted with small knob allegations and a shot of Nic Cage from the height of his mad career.

We do have one more exchange to go which I’ll upload soon in which we meet Mat’s no-nonsense replacement Brett and dreadfully confuse a Northern burger house…

Green Cross

I will take any opportunity I can to besmirch Owen Wilson’s character, and if I can challenge and unsettle an innocent restaurant manager in the process then all the better. It’s always the quiet ones you have to watch out for. Like little Michael Cera. What’s he planning? Something unutterably diabolical no doubt.

Tues, May 22, 1:40pm
Hello Mat,
Thank you for your enquiry, yes we have availability, altough it’s a bank holiday in Ireland we are looking quite so far, we do wonderful food (what we display on our website to be used as a guide line to what we do) I have an area in the dining room where he will not be disturbed hidden away from everyone. Discrestion will be applied.
Will he be dining alone? We don’t take American express.
Yours sincerely.
Lou

Tues, May 22, 4:30pm
Good afternoon Lou,

Thanks for your rathe reply, a secluded and discrete mealtime experience is exactly what we’re after, ideally for each evening from 4th – 8th June. I’ve had a look through your menu and if the dishes look as good as they sound they must taste 150% as good as they look! The “warm smoked haddock nicoise” & “huge cock crab” leapt from the menu particularly and I should think will be winners with Bradley who is a huge fan of seafood.

The only issue I thought it prudent to inform you about is that Bradley will be dining with Owen Wilson (You Me & Dupree, Marley & Me, Cars 1-3, etc) – it will be just the two of them dining each evening. Whilst Mr Wilson is cast in the film Bradley will be shooting, Mr Wilson is not represented by my agency so I can’t comment for him, but when him and Bradley get together historically for social events they have been somewhat rambunctious together. Ever since their meeting on the set of Wedding Crashers it’s simply a show-biz rule to keep extra vigilant when the two of them are around one another, they can become a handful. The last time I reserved a restaurant for the two of them Mr Wilson relocated the contents of the live lobster tank into the ladies bathroom and snuck out without paying having pilfered 5 of the establishment’s halogen light bulbs, for example. Oh and please don’t let them drink brandy!

Having forewarned you Lou they will probably now utterly discredit me by being completely courteous but it would be remiss of me not to mention their history, are you still OK to accommodate them? I’ll inform Bradley not to use his Amex, do you take Stratus Rewards Visa?

Kind regards,
Mat Ruben

Sun, June 3, 8:06pm
Hello Mat
Further to your email, could you please confirm the times they will be dining?
I look forward to hearing from you.
Regards
Lou

Tues, June 5, 1:39pm
Good afternoon Lou,

Thanks for getting back to me. Shooting week is now upon us however we are already behind schedule so filming will doubtless extend into next week now. I know Bradley and Mr Wilson are looking for somewhere to let their hair down this Saturday 9th, if you have availability? Before booking that table though Lou I am legally bound to mention that Mr Wilson has current outstanding charges of assault with intent to rob, battery, public intoxication, sedition & offering of a bribe here in the UK from 2015 following the wrap of screwball comedy She’s Funny That Way, and this incident took place in a quintessential British inn similar to yours. As these charges have yet to be settled I must inform you of them in due course and ask if you are still happy to cater for Mr Wilson, and of course Bradley?

Look forward to hearing back from you.
Kind regards,
Mat Ruben

Tues, June 5, 4:27pm
Hello Matt
Sounds like there’s a storm brewing, I love my job, I love my business, I work hard for the money I earn and I don’t need aggro, I think will’ leave it till the waters are calmer.
Thank you for considering us, but no thanks.
Lou
Chef owner

Tues, June 5, 4:59pm
Good afternoon Lou,

Thanks for your honest and upfront reply. To be honest I don’t blame you, I enjoy representing Bradley but abhor Mr Wilson’s involvement. He paints a very convincing public image of benevolent charm and appeal but behind closed doors is a nightmare. I once had to clean up the PR fallout after he threw a dog off a pier.

Thanks again anyway Lou, and if Mr Wilson drops out of this project (fingers crossed!!) and it’s just Bradley you’d be catering for I’ll be back in touch.

Kind regards,
Mat Ruben

END OF CORRESPONDENCE

Can’t be too harsh on Lou, she did initially consent to having the unruly, lobster-liberating Cooper-Wilson duo on the books, albeit after close to 2 weeks of deliberation. Hopefully every time she now sees Owen’s big, grinning, mawkish face in a film going “wow!” she’ll shudder just a little. Adequate hostessing nets her 5/10.

Old Farmhouse

Sometimes I have no prenotion for these, I just start typing and see what happens.

Tues, May 29, 5:21pm
Hi Mat
We would be more than happy to cater for Bradley. We do have a private room where we would be able to reserve for you.  If you would be able to let me know for how many people dates and time that would be great.  Look forward to hearing from you.
kind regards
Amy Kirkby

Weds, May 30, 11:27am
Good morning,

Thanks for getting back to me so punctually, Amy. Out of interest you’re no relation to Graham Kirkby are you? He was the bassist in my old band ‘The Elephant Men’ before moving up to your neck of the woods, Leeds I think. If so, small world! If not, not.

To business, that’s superb news that you have a private room available for Bradley. I’d like to provisionally book that for the 11th, 12th and 13th June please, 8pm each night, for three people (Bradley, Max & Wü). I say provisionally as it’s dependent on your having or obtaining jicama, or Mexican yam bean (Pachyrhizus Erosus) – Bradley is needing to build and maintain muscle mass for his new role as a miner, and his nutritionist has him on a strict jicama diet. Do you serve any jicama dishes currently, or can you provide any on those dates? Are your chefs experienced in handling jicama? An important question as if prepared incorrectly it can cause impetigo.

If you could let me know one way or the other please Amy then we can move onto the next stage of booking. And if you do know Graham, tell him Mat wants his tent back!

Kind regards,
Mat Ruben

Weds, June 6, 10:50am
Good morning Amy,

Hope you’re well, just chasing this up please as we’d like to get Bradley booked for next week and I know jicama isn’t a provision of every common store cupboard. If you could get back to me whenever convenient that would be appreciated.

Kind regards,
Mat Ruben

Weds, June 6, 10:56am
Hi Mat
Unfortunately we are unable to get hold of your ingredient you require.  If there is any thing else we can do for you please let me know.
kind regards
Amy Kirkby

Weds, June 6, 11:11am
Good morning Amy,

That’s certainly a shame to hear, can I ask which suppliers you’ve inquired with? I may be able to recommend some, as we would still love to get Bradley booked in with you and I’m conscious that time is not on our side.

Remember also that jicama should be stored at a temperature midway between fridge and room – kept in a bag suspended in a bag of water kept outside works well!

I assume from your silence on the subject that you are not, then, related to ex-bassist Graham?

Kind regards,
Mat Ruben

Weds, June 6, 11:52am
I have spoken to my chef and unfortunalty we have tried evey supplier we have around this area.
Oh and no im no relation to the band!
Kind Regards
Amy Kirkby

Weds, June 6, 2:51pm
Good afternoon Amy,

Thanks for your reply and thanks for trying, jicama is unfortunately a lot more prevalent in the States and it seems really only sold this side of the pond by wizened old men at market stalls. What is more easily purchased is jicama seeds, and this magical root does have an astonishingly quick germination turn-around. It is genuinely possible to purchase, plant and harvest jicama within one calendar week, so if we provisionally book Bradley in for say next Saturday, you should hopefully have a meals-worth of crop to harvest if you get an agricultural wiggle on? The trick, Bradley’s nutritionist informs me, is that a combination of taurine and Vitamin B6 act as a mutagen to the jicama – the secret: Red Bull! A handful of jicama seeds sewn and watered with Red Bull should produce enough of the vine to sate Bradley’s hunger by Saturday, if you are prepared to do this? I can assure you Bradley’s gratitude will be as gushing as it is lucrative (so quite lucrative!)

Do let me know if this is something you are able to do for us Amy, and thanks again for your accommodation of this exacting client.

A shame you don’t know Graham, I feel you would have got along with him well. And you’re also missing out on such fine tracks of ours as “Turgid phonecall” and “Diary of a Primate”!

Kind regards,
Mat Ruben

END OF CORRESPONDENCE

Whilst jicama is rare it’s not that difficult to obtain, you can buy it online with little trouble. What of the tales of divas demanding their dressing rooms come replete with bowls of all turquoise M&Ms or prostitutes only born during eclipses? Amy would be screwed! 3/10.

Mumtaz Mahal

I assume the disgustingly wealthy leave silly big tips after dining: a one thousand dollar wad because they’ve forgotten how much that’s worth, or a rhino horn they’ve just happened to be carrying around. I wanted to study if the promise of gratuitous tips could influence the entire way a restaurant catered to you, but unfortunately Mumtaz stonewalled me throughout:

Fri, May 25, 5:22pm
Hello,
Thank you for contacting Mumtaz mahal.
Bradley is more than welcome to come dine with us at Mumtaz Mahal. Our availability during the week you are looking for are free, we are open 6 days a week and closed on Mondays. 12pm-2.30pm and 5.30pm-10pm.
Unfortunately we do not have any secluded seatings, however we have open booths which are available.
Looking forward to hearing from you
Mumtaz Mahal

Tues, May 29, 11:57am
Good morning Mumtaz,

Thanks for your brisk reply and apologies for the delay in getting back to you, I was MIA all weekend due to an ailing colon.

I would like to provisionally book a booth for the Thursday 7th June please at 9pm, for Bradley alone.

Bradley is notorious for being an extravagant and gratuitous tipper, he likes to shower those who cater for him with gifts. He has asked, Mumtaz, if you could please provide me with a list of all your staff, and the favourite fruit of each of them, as I believe he is going to bestow you each with one of his bespoke pipless Cooper fruit baskets. If you can get that information to me before the end of the week that we can get the orders together to be ready for the 7th. You and your colleagues are in for a fruity treat, Mumtaz!

If you could confirm the booking and supply that information then that would be much appreciated.
Kind regards,
Mat Ruben

Fri, June 1, 5:40pm
Hello thank you for your reply and thank you for choosing us to cater for  Bradley.
I have booked a booth for 1 person at 9pm on the 7th June 2018.
We are grateful for this offer, however we are currently in the month of Ramadan which mean we are nil by mouth til sunset. However thank you so much for the offer and the thoughts.
Looking forward to seeing Bradley on the 7th June
Thank you
Mumtaz Mahal

Sat, June 2, 5:13pm
Good afternoon Mumtaz,

I did forget it was Ramadan, apologies for the overt cultural gaffe, I hope no offence was caused. That said, it was not my implication that you wolf back your fruit basket immediately upon acquisition, you could happily save it until after sundown. Did you still want me to cancel the order of those fruit baskets? In their place as gratuity I should think Bradley will be gifting you with precious stones (sapphire, opal, musgravite, etc).

Also Bradley does not like any form of Indian or Bangladeshi food, will this be an issue?

Kind regards,
Mat Ruben

Sat, June 2, 8:43pm
Hello thank you for your reply, we cater authentic Indian and Bangladeshi food. We are an Indian based restaurant.
Sorry for any inconveniences
Thank you
Mumtaz mahal

Mon, June 4, 5:35pm
Good afternoon Mumtaz,

That’s certainly a shame you don’t provide any cuisine which is not Indian/Bangladeshi, as said Bradley loathes this type of foodstuff and has done ever since his gap year. When dining Bradley usually consumes one of the following:

– Ham/cheese sandwich and crisps.
– Steak (well done)
– Small meat pies
– Ice cream(s)
– Eclairs
– Toffees

Although being off-menu would it be at all possible to provide any of that list for Bradley for Thursday? I would urge you to consider it as I believe Bradley is looking to tip you in Benitoite, a rare blue gemstone which is quite valuable (have a Google of it when you get time). Do let me know if you think you can provide hospitality to this lucrative tipper.

Kind regards,
Mat Ruben

Tues, June 5, 5:12pm
Good evening
Unfortunately we will not be able to provide these type of food as stated earlier we only provide and cater Indian and Bangladeshi food!
Our chef only specialises in Asian food and will not be able to provide this type Bradley
However, Bradley is most welcome to come along and try Indian/ Bangladeshi food
Sorry for any inconvenience
Thank you
Mumtaz Mahal

Weds, June 6, 12:38pm
Good afternoon Mumtaz,

What a pity you are unable to cater to the 6 food groups (sarnie, steak, pie, cream, eclair, caramel) in which Bradley sustains. I am certain he will not want any Indian or Bangladeshi food having been traumatized as a late teen when a scorpion emerged from a bowl of dal he was eating. It’s a shame you cannot even supply a simple sandwich, as this would be perfectly adequate for Bradley, and the benitoite he had planned to leave as gratuity is valued at around $3,000 per carat. Never mind, we will try elsewhere to book.

Kind regards,
Mat Ruben

END OF CORRESPONDENCE

Who in their right mind wouldn’t knock up a cheese sandwich and some Pringles in exchange for a stash of valuable gems? I’m tipping Mumtaz a 3/10.

 

Keepers Cottage

Whilst drunkenly preaching about how I was Bradley Cooper’s new unofficial agent at a recent BBQ and had already goaded restaurateurs into cancelling parties and accepting new Gods, my friend Steve suggested asking for Brad’s cutlery to be sterilised to absurd, surgical levels. I selected a really bucolic, tumbledown inn to make this request, the kind of place where there’s twigs floating in the ale and the bathroom’s just a hole, for maximum contrast.

Mon, May 21, 1:18pm
Dear Mat
Thank you for your email.  Please could you let me know which would be your preferred date(s) to reserve a table, informing me of the number of guests and the time they would like to eat?
I look forward to hearing from you.
Many thanks
Ashley Persey
The Keepers Cottage Inn

Mon, May 21, 3:24pm
Good afternoon Ashley,

I’d like to provisionally book the 5th, 6th and 7th of June at 9pm please, this would be a table for two, for Bradley and his off-the-record girlfriend Ebony.

One caveat is that Bradley & Ebony are both acute germaphobes and insist on their cutlery being sterilized to the highest degree. This is in no way a suggestion that your cutlery is usually dirty, but for this client a simple dishwash is not sufficient. Bradley needs his tableware to be as clean as scalpels, a sterility assurance level of minimum D-value 10−6 please. The best way to achieve this will be ethylene oxide treatment, but in a pinch steam sterilization in an autoclave will suffice. Are you able to obtain this sterilization equipment in time? Our agency can cover costs of buying/renting them.

Do hope this is OK and we can get that table booked. What ales do you have on tap by the way?

Kind regards,
Mat Ruben

Tues, May 22, 12:26pm
Dear Mat
Thank you for your email.  I have reserved a table for 2 on those evenings at 9pm.  With regards to the sterilization of the cutlery, we only have facilities to sterilize them in boiling water.  If this is not acceptable, I would be happy if they brought
their own cutlery.
Regarding our real ale on tap, we serve ales from local breweries (Dartmoor Brewery, Palmers of Bridport, Exeter Brewery).
I hope I have covered everything and I look forward to hearing from you confirming that you will be happy with the above arrangements regarding the cutlery.
Many thanks
Ashley Persey
The Keepers Cottage Inn

Tues, May 22, 3:03pm
Good afternoon Ashley,

That’s a shame you don’t have the facilities for ethylene oxide treatment in-house but I do understand, I’ll ask Bradley to bring his hermetic cutlery case for him and Ebony then, so ask no tainted cutlery is left on or brought to their table please. When their meals for these two are being prepared, could I politely ask the chefs wear gloves and face masks in the kitchen please?

Could I also trouble you by asking what wood your chairs and tables are made from? Ebony suffers severe allergies to some types of common wood.

Thank you for the ale information, I confess I ask this out of purely personal curiosity, only my estranged father worked (possibly still works??) at Exeter Brewery and I had to inquire when I saw how close you guys were to said brewery. The drink he personally created, really the highlight of his brewing career, was a copper-coloured bitter named ‘Dry Dreams’ iconically served in (empty and cleaned!) pickle jars. I never find myself in your neck of the woods so had to ask if it’s an ale you were aware of, had ever sold or indeed still did?

Kind regards,
Mat Ruben

Thurs, May 24, 2:06pm
Dear Mat
Thank you for your email.  Our general practice for hygiene during food preparation  and service is of an extremely high standard, and we hold the 5 star rated food hygiene certificate, but unfortunately we do not wear face masks in the kitchen.
As our pub is a country pub, the eating and drinking areas have old wooden beams, and various items of wooden furniture.  Dogs are also welcome in the pub so this may prove to be an issue for your client.  I fully understand that you may feel that The Keepers Cottage Inn may not be a suitable venue for your client to visit on this occasion.  May I recommend you contact the Deer Park Hotel near Honiton, which is a high end country hotel about 5 miles away from here, or The Five Bells at Clyst Hydon, and they may be able to accommodate your requirements.
With regards to the ale you mentioned, I have never held it in stock.
I look forward to hearing from you confirming whether or not you would like confirm your reservation.
Many thanks
Ashley

Thurs, May 24, 4:48pm
Good afternoon Ashley,

Thanks for your recommendations of other, better restaurants, but we’ll try to stick to yourselves at The Keepers Cottage for now please. Ashley we’re going to need the common names, genus and forest sources of all the types of wood found in your establishment please, sorry to be a pain.

That’s disappointing to hear your chefs are unmasked but I do have a possible alternative solution… would Bradley be permitted to stand in the kitchen and watch the cooks prepare his meal to ensure his cleanliness standards are upheld? Bradley is used to the controlled chaos of the kitchen environment having starred in the 2015 film Burnt so he knows to keep out of the way and not to knock anything over.

A shame you never had ‘Dry Dreams’ on tap, though perhaps this was one of the many yarns my father used to spin – for 13 months once he pretended he was blind.

Thanks in advance Ashley for your patience and the forthcoming index of your woods.

Kind regards,
Mat Ruben

Weds, May 30, 12:11pm
Good afternoon Ashley,

Trust you’re well, just emailing to finalize details considering shooting date is almost upon us and we’re looking to hopefully book Bradley in from next week. Please do get in touch when convenient with that wood data.

Kind regards,
Mat Ruben

Mon, June 4, 1:01pm
Dear Mat
Thank you for your email.  Due to the age of the pub I am unable to provide you with the information you requested regarding the wood, so cannot guarantee that it would be suitable for Ebony.  We have owned the pub for 14 years and all of the infrastructure was already in place many years before.
With regards to Bradley watching his food being prepared, we do not permit people other than staff in to the kitchen area due to health and safety regulations.   I would therefore suggest that you try to find an alternative suitable venue that will be able to cater for their needs.
I apologise for not being able to meet all of your requirements and I hope you find an alternative venue that can.
Many thanks
Ashley

Tues, June 5, 12:09pm
Dear Mat
Further to my email sent yesterday, I am writing to confirm that we are not able meet your requirements and therefore assume that you will no longer require a table for 2 for this evening, tomorrow evening and Thursday evening.  Please acknowledge receipt of this email.  We are sorry that we are unable to help you on this occasion.
I look forward to hearing from you.
Many thanks
Ashley Persey
The Keepers Cottage Inn

Tues, June 5, 1:26pm
Good afternoon Ashley,

I can confirm receipt, a great shame, I know Bradley was looking forward to your gammon, but we can’t risk a flare-up of Ebony’s wood allergies; even common oak exposure brings her out in leg sweats and kidney spasms. We will look elsewhere for suitable accommodation where the wood types are known and the cutlery ethylene oxidised.

I actually saw my father over the weekend and he reported that whilst he did brew in your area it wasn’t “Dry Dreams” at all, he was actually responsible for three very popular ales which I was wondering if you could let me know if you ever had on tap? I’m aware we’re no longer dining with you but I am interested. The ales were:

– Churlish Stutter (fruity, hoppy)
– You Could do Worse than to Ignore your Mam (rich, golden)
– Lovely Aunt (stout)

If you’d be so kind Ashley, have you ever heard of any of those? Would be great to go back to my Dad and tell him you once served one of his legendary beers!

Please let me know and also please confirm receipt of this receipt of confirmation.
Kind regards,
Mat Ruben

Tues, June 5, 3:19pm
Dear Mat
Thank you for your email and understanding of our situation, and I hope you have found somewhere suitable for them to dine.
With regards to the ales you listed, I am not familiar with any of the names.
As a matter of interest, if you have found somewhere locally that is suitable, please could you let me know for future reference  should a similar request occur?
If you are ever in the area, please do call in and sample some of our ales
we have to offer.
Many thanks
Ashley Persey

Tues, June 5, 5:08pm
Good afternoon Ashley,

Thanks so much for your reply, although I’m naturally crestfallen to discover you have not even heard, let alone sold or consumed, any of my father’s ales. Are you 100% sure you’ve never had You Could do Worse than to Ignore your Mam on tap? Could you check with someone else please Ashley to ensure you never have? My Dad is adamant.

In regards to dining for the week we have decided to cater ourselves al fresco style by having BBQs and hog roasts in the lovely Blackdown Hills around which we’ll be shooting. Although a woody area Ebony is thankfully only allergic to treated wood and can be around trees and shrubs with no bother. We have a grill sterilised with gamma radiation for Bradley’s needs and plenty of bottled local ales to kick back with after filming (plus a keg of my Dad’s famous dark Lovely Aunt). Wish us a happy shoot!

Kind regards,
Mat Ruben

END OF CORRESPONDENCE

Ashley excels herself across the board really:

–          She genuinely offers to boil a customer’s cutlery
–          She accedes to customers bringing in their own cutlery
–          She passes no judgement on extramarital Ebony
–          She happily suggests rival restaurants Brad might be happier at
–          Twice, she chases knowledge of clearly bogus ale brands
–          And to close she asks what substitute venue Mat Ruben found, so she’d be prepared for the next time there was an inquiry for a Hollywood star with acute germaphobia and a concubine allergic to wood eager to drink a PR agent’s mad Dad’s assortment of fake ales.

8/10

Windmill

There’s surely no better way to enforce insane and unreasonable rules than a nice religion. You know the Bible genuinely prohibits wearing linen? I thought it’d be remiss of me not to indoctrinate Bradley into at least one bullshit new faith.

Fri, May 25, 6:18pm
Hi Mat
I can confirm we do have availability at our restaurant week commencing 4th June, we do however closed on the Monday and Tuesday . We also have a nice table were Bradley can eat and drink in peace which is tucked away . If I can be of any further assistance please and you would like to book a table for Bradley please do not hesitate to contact myself
Kind regards
Sharon

Tues, May 29, 11:48am
Good morning Sharon,

Thanks for your fleet-footed reply and sorry for the delay in getting back to you, the weekend saw me stranded on the Isle of Man dutifully fulfilling the requests of James Nesbitt who was there filming a docudrama about dognapping, keep your eyes peeled for it on the box in December!

That’s a shame you do closed on the Monday and Tuesday, can we provisionally book a table for about 8:30pm on the Wednesday, Thursday and Friday please? It will be for Bradley and 3 others.

One thing I do need to check on is which of your dishes are halal? Bradley, along with quite a few other Hollywood stars currently, has joined a new punk-pseudo-religion called ‘Gazism’ (as in: to gaze), which blends Islamic Law, new wave agnosticism and a reverence of the late Aldous Huxley. It does mean in accordance with Gazist believes that all meat must be prepared to halal standards, can you cater for this Sharon?

Thanks in advance for your patience and accommodation.
Kind regards,
Mat Ruben

Tues, May 29, 1:56pm
Hi  Mat
No problem at all sounds like a busy weekend . I have asked our butcher about the helal meat and he confirms that none of the meat is helal . However we do have fish dishes and vegetarian on the menu which would be suitable , hope this is ok , If Bradley or any of the other guests want helal meat we will need to order on line ? I will provisionally book the Wednesday,Thursday  and Friday for the four guests
Kind regards
Sharon

Tues, May 29, 3:24pm
Good afternoon Sharon,

Thanks for your courteous and accommodating reply. There’s actually a few other Gazist traditions which I’ve neglected to mention, will you be able to satisfy the following?:

– In regards to your meat, Bradley will be unable to consume anything non-halal, and also fish are deified by Gazists and considered the masters of creation, so it would be blasphemous for Bradley to have any seafood dishes. It sounds like he will be choosing from your vegetarian options, can you run me through what those are please? Also can we ensure no other guests in Bradley’s close vicinity are served any fish.

– Bradley must be seated facing ‘anti-West’ (so East), can we please ensure his table/booth is East facing.

– The server/servers tending to Bradley must have their eyes covered (by dark glasses, thin mesh material, etc), and their knees exposed, in accordance with the first and seventh verses of the Gazist religious text. Will this be OK?

– Food is to be consumed alongside the smoking of shisha; I’m aware this is somewhat gauche in today’s society to smoke inside, could we make an exception for Bradley as it is for his religious beliefs? Hopefully if his table is tucked away this shouldn’t bother any fellow diners?

If you could let me know if you are able to cater to the above, then I believe that will be all of Bradley’s Gazist demands met.
Kind regards,
Mat Ruben

Weds, May 30, 10:25pm
Unfortunately we will be unable to cater for Bradley and his guests next week
Kind regards
Sharon

Thurs, May 31, 9:29am
Good morning Sharon,

That’s certainly a shame to hear, especially with shooting week almost upon us. Can I please inquire as to why?

Kind regards,
Mat Ruben

Thurs, May 31, 11:28am
Hi Mat
Unfortunately we can not guarantee that people will not be eating fish our staff will not have their faces covered , and we offer a totally non smoking restaurant with no exceptions
Kind regards
Sharon

Thurs, May 31, 12:00pm
Good afternoon Sharon,

A disappointment you can’t cater to those of Gazist faith; I’d steel yourself for more inquiries of a similar nature over the next few months, Gazism is growing insidiously in the same vein as Scientology.

We’ll look elsewhere for a smoke-friendly East-gazing privacy booth for Bradley where they don’t fillet and serve his Gods. All the best for the future Sharon and in the words of the Gazist faith, “may fine fortune make a robust girdle.”

Kind regards,
Mat Ruben

END OF CORRESPONDENCE

Bless Sharon, she was all ready to order halal if it meant Bradley Cooper’s Gazist Gods were sated. What a shame that by letting her staff serve with their eyes exposed she’s damned to burn in Gazist hell for eternity. And Huxley, whom begat the Fish Lords, said unto Sharon that she should score 4/10 for her transgressions, and she wept for 40 years.